Marriage Counseling: Communications and your Relationship

Couples often wonder can marriage counseling improve communications and their relationship. Challenges with communicating is one of the more common reasons for couples to seek marriage counseling. Communication can go “wrong” for several different reasons, and we are here to help you at Natalia Savage Counseling Center to get the tools you and your partner need for more healthy and respectful communication with your partner. Usual causes for ineffective or negative communication patterns are one or both partners feeling unheard, blamed, defensive or the loss of emotional control occurs. Some ways to help assist in building healthier communication skills are listed below.

Active listening

 

Active listening at the surface sounds easy to do, but one of the most common phrases heard in a couple’s session is “they aren’t listening to me.” There is a difference between listening to what your partner is saying and truly hearing and understanding what they are saying. A suggestion to try is for each partner to allow 3 to 5 minutes of uninterrupted time to express themselves and speak openly. Each partner should be provided with a turn to speak about what they would like such as kids, work, friends, relationship stress, or whatever else they would like. Give this a try and you may be surprised how much more you hear from your partner when you are not trying to interject. On the other side, you may be pleased with how much more your partner hears and understands when you share as well using this tool.

Apologizing

 

  Apologizing can be tough sometimes, especially when we feel we have not done anything wrong. Even with the best of intentions, our actions can be perceived by another as hurtful. Trying to see something from the other person’s perspective can help to see how your actions may have looked from their side. Apologizing may require more than a simple “I’m sorry” but rather providing more dialogue such as an attempt to right the wrong, being remorseful, and working to not repeat the action. A concern by some is that apologizing may make them look weak, but it is quite the opposite. Apologizing shows you are secure enough in yourself to admit when you are wrong and that you have respect for your partner. Remember immediate forgiveness is not guaranteed, but with an appropriate apology and understanding you are providing your partner with respect for their feelings.  

 

“I” Statements

 

  “I” Statements can be a powerful communication tool when resolving conflict with a partner. Hearing “you made me feel like this” or “this is your fault I feel like this” can quickly cause a person to feel defensive and not hear what you are feeling. Word choice is critical when resolving conflict with a partner and using “I” statements is a great starter to a sentence where you are expressing how you feel. You may be wondering, what is an “I” statement? When sharing a concern with you partner or any loved one, begin your sentence with “I” rather than “you.” Here is an example, “I felt worried when you didn’t tell me you would be home late” versus “you never tell me anything and I had to be worried about you.” See the difference? One is taking responsibility for our emotions and the other is blaming and accusatory, which can cause a partner to become defensive. Try switching out the “you” for an “I” when expressing concerns with a partner and encourage your partner to do the same.

 

Taking a time out

 

 Taking a time out when the conversation becomes aggressive, insulting, or argumentative can help stop the direction of the conversation and give space for further processing individually. Understanding this may feel easier said than done in the moment, couples are encouraged to have a plan in place for addressing conflict that requires a timeout. Some couples come up with a word or phrase that indicates a timeout is needed or they simply say, “we need to take a time out.” During the “time out,” each person is encouraged do something relaxing such as writing in a journal, taking a walk, or laying down and breathing. Once both partners are feeling more calm and ready to address the problem, it is encouraged to come back together and focus on solving the problem. Coming back together is important rather than leaving the problem unaddressed. You can read additional communications tips here.

 

Conclusion 

 

We encourage you to try out the tools that would be helpful to you and your relationship. Couples counseling is another great way to gain tools, feedback, and assistance from a counselor who can assist with your concerns as a couple. Natalia Savage Counseling Center provides couple’s with a safe space to work through conflict, heal, and work with you to improve communication skills.